Crouching Amber. Hidden Monster.

So. (Yes, I notice that begin a lot of paragraph's and stories this way.)

So. I was super exhausted yesterday. Like, so exhausted that while I was playing a math game with Madison (A math game? MY spawn? Wow. I was in pre-Algebra as a senior.) I actually fell asleep sitting up. I opened my eyes to find her face about an inch from mine. "Are you sleeping?"

Yes. There is no shame.

After I get everyone tucked in and read to and talked to I am ready for bed myself. I have a process of going to bed. Well. Kind of. I leave the closet light on so that in the middle of night if I have to get up I won't have to turn on the lamp or big light (don't you love my terminology? "big light", where the hell do I get this stuff?). The bathroom light is turned off and the door shut. Bocephus sleeps outside my bedroom door to ward off any crazies and I keep a sawed off on the pillow next to me....maybe.

So, I do all my stuff and I'm all snuggled in. Right now I'm reading Rant, by Chuck Palahniuk. I'm a big fan of his books. Invisible Monsters is probably my favorite. Oh, sorry, I'm getting off topic. Okay, I'm reading, and this book is a little graphic on the creepy/nasty level. I'm reading and then I hear it.

"Crinkle crinkly crinkle."

Hmm. Strange. I think, maybe it was just Cooper moving around in his crib and that I misheard the typical rustling of a blanket and confused it with the sound of an insane person dressed as a clown hiding at the end of my bed crinkling a cello bag.

"Crinkly crinky crink."

I bolt straight up in the bed. I promise that it sounds scary in person. I grab the phone.

"MORGAN. ARE YOU AWAKE." This is said in a quiet loud whisper scream. By this time I am perched like a bird at the end of my bed. I'm up on my toes, crouched, ready to pounce...okay, who am I kidding...I'm ready to will myself to die at the sight of any random psycho that happens through my bedroom.

"Yes. What's up?"

Me: "There's a noise in my room...like a crinkly crinkle. Like...a noise."

Morgan's voice get's very serious. This is the reason I called him, he understands the seriousness of the situation. (Momma was asleep.)

Morgan: "Where is it coming from? Is your light on? Turn your light on!"

Me: "My lamp is on. My closet light is on. My big light isn't on though...I would have to walk on the floor to get to it...sooo."

Morgan: "Can't you lunge at it or something?"

I tell him that I can see just fine between the lamp and my closet light. The crinkling noise is sporadic and coming from next to my dresser. He says maybe something is at the end of my bed, I say, no, I'm at the end of my bed, it's only laundry.

Morgan: "Well, Amber. I'm doubtful that a bad guy would break into your house, hide in your bedroom and crinkle paper."

Me: "Hmm."

Me: "Ohhhhhhhh. I see. It's the diaper pail. It's almost full and it's pulling more plastic bag down on its own."

Morgan: "Goodnight."

Yes. 10 minutes of my life were stolen by a diaper pail.

No shame.